I grew up in the 80’s 90’s. That means Saturday morning cartoons; G.I. Joe and their heroic daring-do with badass vehicles, Transformers with their nearly deific-ly moral leader, Optimus prime, Star Wars, the fading of the Cold War and, eventually, grunge rock. I recall spending a lot of time alone as a kid. Being left to my own devices for such extended periods of time heightened both my imagination and my wanderlust. I had a few close friends from 1st to early 4th Grade… and then we started moving around. Phenix City to Kansas City, Mo. KC to Crossville, TN on the Cumberland plateau. Crossville to Chattanooga.
In Chattanooga i found myself, for the first time, among a relatively solid group of friends. We saw movies together, we hung out for no good reason, we played D&D and we played video and PC games. At this point, who I am today began to form… the strange, oily slide from child to teenager to young adult to pseudo-adult (a title I intend to keep until I have children of my own, i.e., never). From this group of friends an identity was formed… i was the nerdy white boy. Something of a gawky loser. But, they kept me around for whatever reason and I stuck with it. A few real friendships slowly evolved out of that strange cauldron of primordial teenage arrogance, intellect and humor.
Collin and Russ were different from the others. They had their own internal lives outside of the cage of adolescent acceptance. They saw through the bullshit of temporary distractions that we occupied ourselves with. They are the very definition of ‘old friends’. They are the ones you keep your entire life… not because you make enormous efforts to stay up to the minute on their lives, but because your friendship is so deep and so solid, that it almost immune to fading… or, perhaps, we’re just too lazy to make the effort to STOP being each other’s friend… its simply easier to always assume friendship than worry about.
During this 6 or 7 year period of living in Chattanooga, as I said above, i began to define myself. The music, the people, the philosophies and the standards of living… those things became the ‘right way’ to be. It made an indelible and eternal mark on ALL of us. “YES” will always be the greatest band ever… DooM, or maybe WarCraft II, will always be the greatest PC game of all time. The funniest stories, the most fucked up misadventures, the most traumatic moments of our lives happened then.
In many ways, I’m still that gawky white-boy dork. I probably always will be. According to Collin and Russ I will always be, no doubt. I’m still self conscious about the way i look. I still FEEL like I’m the awkward, unattractive geek who gets picked on by those larger and prettier.
Why is this? Because, i think, we HAVE to define ourselves with something, anything, at that age. Its your friends and places that you’re from that define you. Without them, you are meaningless, adrift. Yeah, its circumstantial and that sucks, but we have a built in NEED to belong to something or somewhere. Titles and proper names the world over reflect this… Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti means that he was born and raised in (or near) Tikrit, for example. In my own mind, i still sort of identify myself as “Scott…who did cool things in Chattanooga at one time”.
Does this self labeling and identification limit us? It may be giving us definition, but doesn’t that also mean that it’s limiting us? Does this search for identity actually retard our possibilities and opportunities?
In my own mind, i am something that i am not. My self-image is not completely accurate… but, that is usually okay because other’s perception of me is not totally accurate either. Because my self image is not accurate, and that i am aware of that fact, i need an anchor to which form my standards around, a mirror to which i can see myself, and perhaps a model of some sort to which I can work to attain. I have my family and my own personal philosophy to draw moral standards from. My friends are my mirror.. they show me how i am not like how i want to be. And my model is a complex mix of the two previous sources than coalesce into “Moloth”.
Moloth is my perfect self. He is my delusion. He is who i think i want to be. He is not from Chattanooga, he was probably never the kid that got picked on… but even if he were, he did nothing but grow and gain from the experience in a wise and graceful way.
Delusions are so much more effective when you’re not alone in them, though. We need others to share in the delusion that you are real and important. Who has the strength to be themselves no matter how strange or extreme the situation and no matter how outclassed they are? Is it wrong to define yourself by the people around you, your past, your music or your hobbies or your job?
Without an anchor of home and place and friends are we adrift like a discarded and empty bottle? Is WHO you are, your will, and your personality just a delusion that you get other to share in? “Oh, that’s Scott, he’s the smart one. That other guy is the funny one, and that last one is the nice guy”… aren’t those horrendous over-simplifications of who we are? I have seen, first hand, how people react when you break out of your own, self-made stereotype. Confusion and sometimes even distrust can appear.
Do i still define myself as the guy from Chattanooga, the skinny geek boy who was with the Banana Pirates for a short while? D&D, Yes, etc. were all discovered by me at that time. Have i not grown past it? Am i afraid to become something else? Am i afraid to grow past those things? What were to happen if i were to discard those things, move away to a new place and ‘start over’? Would it even be possible to simply leave those things, those people, those parts of my psyche behind? If i suddenly told myself that YES isn’t my favorite band, would i even believe me?
In many ways my life both started and STOPPED in 1997… am i still there? Why?
I’m almost 28… when should i grow up and give up those things of my youth? Ever? What would i have to gain? What would i lose? Should I change my dreams and goals? Should I aim lower and more realistically? Should i lower my standards instead of raising my effort, just because its easier? Should i settle?
You could the most creative artist, the most efficient scientist, the greatest doctor, or even the only genius to solve all of humanities ills… but if you are stuck, alone, on a deserted island, you are useless. Without purpose. You might as well not exist. This isolation of minds and ideas is what terrifies me. To connect with another person by having my ideas taken on in their mind, to germinate to grow… and to have an AFFECT is the proof of self-existence and confirmation that i crave. My dreams, my ideas, my emotions, my stories… are nonexistent while solely within my own mind. Those parts of me are dead (or hibernating in a slowly decaying slumber) unless they are shared. My whole existence must be confirmed by others… which, in daily life, is not hard to get… but the true core of who i am, the dreams, the desires, the characters and the stories that appear uniquely within me MUST have validation. That is what i seek.
And love. Yes, love. I still dream of it. I still pretend that it still exists for me out there. That, despite my own failings and eccentricities, there is one like me within the world i inhabit. One who is strong in her weakness. One who is not intimidated by me when i rant or annoyed with me when i am slow to understand. One who has the range of emotions and extremes that the spectrum of reality requires to experience it all.
To be serious, to be angry, to sad, to be silly, to make stupid comments that are not taken seriously, to be wrong, to be right, to be goofy to the point of near insanity, to debate every concept under the stars.. just for the sake of talking and sharing ideas. To able to freely give your vulnerabilities to someone… and to have your fear of pain alleviated by love as it bleeds through time and emerges as deep, sincere trust.
Why do i seek that dreamy love? Why do i seek that perfect woman for me? What will happen once i feel i have everything i need? Will i finally open the flood gates of my mind and dive into life head first like i have always dreamed of doing? Will i finally put myself out there and make my dreams come true? How much longer will i continue to spin my wheels and waste my life?
I want fire. I want passion. I want to give 100%. Heart and soul. I want to be able to trust another human being with everything that i am and everything that i am capable of. I want to know that i have made a wise and good decision. I want a partner. I want an equal. I want someone who can and will tell me when i’m wrong… and explain to me WHY i am so. I want to be the student for once….
I want to cry and to laugh. At the same time. I want to feel my heart twist inside my chest with the thought of mere consideration… and to know that the other person feels the same. I want to have a REASON to fight. I need a focus, a muse… I need an angel to show me the wonders of this life that i cannot, or will not, let myself see alone. This is my dream. This is why i awake in the morning… i dream of finding the catalyst, the spark that will ignite the inferno of my mind and heart. I WANT to be consumed and subsequently reformed, galvanized into a new, better, form. I want Moloth to see me as an equal. I want Moloth to be proud of me. But, maybe, just maybe, i don’t actually WANT to be Moloth anymore.
Maybe then, being Scott would be even better.
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