Fall semester is almost finished… i have completed a simple 1000 level class, turned in a final research paper*, and have only a simple final left to take Saturday morning. And what a hollowness i feel about it. It always feels so good to actually have something to do… instead of come home from work and have nothing better to do than play video games or read. To have something important and mind-expanding, something that takes effort, to do is extremely fulfilling and helps pass the time. But, now that its going to be a number of weeks before i have anything of any importance to do, i feel this.. malaise. its depressing, actually, not actively doing something that furthers my goals.
I know that the time between semesters should be considered a well needed break, but i rather dread the gap. I have a great number of things i COULD do to utilize my time… but finding the motivation is difficult. I COULD write more in my novel, but no one is anticipating it. i COULD write more for my D&D campaigns, but i have no players looking forward to playing. I COULD work out more, but i work so late… lol.. always an excuse, eh?
I often wonder what would happen if i won the lottery… would i feel freedom and use the time to fulfill myself? or would i instead just sit around in a funk, with nothing to do? Unfortunately, i seem to work better with a muse, a catalyst of some kind. If i have some distant, but realistic, goal to work towards and another person expecting, wanting or waiting for it, i usually have the motivation to not only succeed, but to excel. That connection to another human being really drives me. On one hand, i know i shouldn’t have to find inspiration in anyone but myself… but, on the other hand, basic human contact sure goes a long way towards feeling wanted, needed and necessary for existence in the world.
Well, emo-whining, aside… i AM looking forward to a number of things:
I’m looking forward to getting my iPhone (a X-mas gift from my Dad) and dumping Verizon.
I’m looking forward to seeing my family over the holidays. i miss being around people who seem to love me unconditionally.
I’m looking forward to seeing if my Dad enjoys his gift. its rather exotic.
I’m looking forward to my company’s corporate dinner at a posh restaurant.
I’m looking forward to the last of debt being paid off. its only a matter for a few short months now!
Once thats done, i’m looking forward to buying a new gaming PC. rawr.
Possibly meeting a girl that likes me for who i am… and not what i can do for them and can handle the fact that i’m a skeptic.
*Its about Steampunk… you might like it. no, really… its pretty fucking good.
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