Wisely, it was after High School when one of my oldest friends came out.
I was visiting Chattanooga after being moved away for a few months due to my parents divorce and I was happy to be in the comfortable company of my peers, if even only for a long weekend… I was at his house, in his man/nerd cave of a basement playing video games, reading graphic novels and otherwise just enjoying the good life when he suggested we go out for Chinese. I offered to drive, knowing that he had only his family’s geriatric and temperamental minivan for transportation. He firmly, but quietly, replied “No, its okay. I’ll drive.” I remember thinking it a little strange, but not bizarre, and it quickly left my mind.
Looking back, I can see that he was nervous and preoccupied with something but, at the time, i was not nearly perceptive enough to even guess at what it could have been. Over a heaping plateful of Sweet n’ Sour Chicken, he suddenly blurted out “I’m gay.” I laughed, and being reminded of Nirvana lyrics, chuckled, “yeah, well, aren’t we all?”
Not satisfied with my reaction he tried again, “No, I mean, I’m gay.” With a wonderful amount of patience he looked me in the eye and awaited my further reaction.
“What?”
“I’m gay. Actually gay.”
I laughed again, nervously. I was accustomed to his sense of humor being more advanced than my own and i awaited the impending, if roundabout, punchline.
“Scott, i’m gay.”
It finally started to sunk in. I recall just staring at him, a slightly wary smile on my face. Even though the term didn’t exist at the time, i still was clinging to the notion that i was being Punk’d.
“Really? Like GAY, gay?”
“Yes. I’m really gay.”
It felt like i sat there in silence trying to process this new data for long, long time…. and it must have been, because his patience with my density began to falter, “Dude. Think about it. have i EVER talked about girls? have i EVER mentioned having or wanting a girlfriend?”
Of course, the answer was No. I thought back on the six or seven years i’d known him. Crap. I thought he was just nerdy, more nerdy than me. I suddenly felt like a very bad friend for not picking up on this sooner. As I gathered my thoughts the total picture came together and snapped into sharp focus. So many things suddenly made sense. So many little things… muttered comments, polite declinations of certain social interactions, strange, out-of-the-blue conversations… made sense now.
I met his eye and said, “I want you to know that this, in NO way, changes our friendship or our relationship. So what if you’re gay?”
He was relieved. I asked a few more questions. He told me that if i asked “Aren’t you afraid of getting AIDS and dying?!”, that he’d hit me. I believed him, but the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.
The whole evening was something of a setup. Smartly, he had done his research. Getting books on gay lifestyle and handbooks titled ‘How to Come Out’, he had planned on who, when and how he’d come out. Not during High School… that woulda been suicide (if not just socially, especially in the South). No, he bode his time and waited until after graduation. He drove, just in case his confidant got upset and left him, stranded. He picked a public place, in order to lessen the possibility of outburst.
Having explained to me how he had planned out the night, i admitted that i was slightly hurt that he had thought that he had to take so many precautions with me… surely, he didnt think i would have reacted in any of those barbaric and insensitive ways. He was just playing it safe and i completely understood. Better safe than sorry The books had told him that people’s reactions are often unpredictable to hearing this revelation.
On the drive back from the restaurant, i was trying to consider all of the ramifications of this development. How will he find a boyfriend? How long had he known? How will his parents react (being old hippies, i’m sure they would be completely okay with it)? Did he come out to me, because he thought I’M gay? Oh, damn… am *I* gay? (after a few moments of self reflection, nope, guess not).
He must have been so lonely, to carry such a secret for so long… to feel that a natural part of he who he was had to be hidden lest people treat him poorly. What a shitty, terrible burden for ANYONE to have to carry. What a shitty world that we live in, that people actually had to worry about being persecuted just for being themselves, in a completely harmless way.
In a certain selfish way, i was proud that he chose me to be the first person to come out to. I felt like i had given the ‘right’ answer… because it was a true and heartfelt reaction. Still mulling over all of the consequences of the evening, i struggled to find some levity. Something finally occurred to me!
“Well, i guess i don’t ever have to worry about my best friend stealing my girl!”
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As they say, it gets better. It does. My friend now has a boyfriend of many years and they have a wonderful home together. I know that the ignorance and bigotry of the world still phases him (how could it not), but he has generally insulated himself from that sort of bullshit. Your real friend won’t care and will support you. Your family will love you no matter what, even if they don’t know how to handle the news. There are others out there that have gone, and are going, through what you are. You’re not alone.
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http://open.salon.com/blog/sl_rose/2010/10/04/10_obvious_truthswilfully_ignored
1. Wealthy people do not have your best interests at heart.
2. The well-to-do feel deserving of their riches and see no need to excuse themselves for having such material wealth—which gives them a sense of being exceptional and entitled, disconnected from ordinary people.
3. The goal of the well-off is to keep their money and grow it. You are not part of that formulation because you are not necessary to achieve their goal.
4. If you earn income that places you in the middle class or lower, you will not improve your circumstances by aligning yourself with the rich, including voting the way they may vote and thinking the way they think.
5. Although you may be told that “you, too, can be rich some day,” it most likely will not happen. That is why the rich make up less than two percent of the U.S. population.
6. Fortune 500 companies have determined they can achieve their goals by using labor from all over the world. In fact, they prefer to pay a fraction of what an American wage earner expects, so they employ workers in third-world countries. Consequently, you are meaningless to them as a worker.
7. The economic system in America is designed to keep your wages and earnings adequate enough to buy the goods and services that corporations want you to. However, you will never earn sufficient money from your employer to rise into the top economic tiers.
8. If you support tax cuts for the rich because it’s only “fair,” no worry. The wealthiest Americans, including corporations, have legions of accounting experts to rely on so they experience little or no tax burden anyway. By the way, it’s the middle class which pays the bulk of income tax to the states and the federal government.
9. Since your time in the cradle, you’ve been trained to want the things corporations want you to desire. Eventually, you may find that you cannot afford those items and you will feel badly about yourself—like a failure and a loser. You’re supposed to feel that way.
10. You’ve grown up with myths: “American is the land of opportunity.” “Anyone can make it in America.” “There’s still something called ‘The American Dream.’” It’s effective propaganda, but it has nothing to do with the real world and your real life. Best option is to step over the bull**** and forge your own way.
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