Moloth - The M-Forums

Moloth · 9/3/08 2:58 pm

yes, yes... its an Oprah article. BUT, i have noticed that the vast majority of these are actually extremely smart and insightful.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal … index.html

"I want my husband to have more sex with me," a girlfriend remarks at lunch. "I feel like he rarely initiates it, and I want to do it more often."

"Did you tell him how you feel?" I ask, after the waiters have administered strong smelling salts and propped me back in my chair. "Don't you think that the first step might be saying that to him instead of me?"

"Honestly, I could never," she responds. "He would assume I was dissatisfied or accuse me of being a nag. But I've been buying lots of silk lingerie and sheer little nighties and making sure I look my best at bedtime, hoping to pique his interest. Besides, it's not like I necessarily want to have more sex per se, I just want him to want me to."

Right. So, she wants sex, but she doesn't want it. She merely wants her husband to want it so she can get what she wants -- which, perversely, is something she doesn't particularly want. Wouldn't it cost less, both in mental and actual currency, if she were to sit out the dance, look him plain in the eye, and speak her mind? Why can't she say what she wants?

the most perfect example of female thinking that i have ever read.

"My wife is constantly attacking me," laments a former colleague who is having trouble at work. "She's constantly on me, tearing me apart. Everything is my fault. A lot of the time, she's probably right, but I can't take the misery. I'm afraid we're going to have to split up. I just want her to say, 'It's okay, I love you and no matter what happens, we'll be okay. No matter what happens, we'll still be standing.' If she only said that, I could endure anything."

"Why don't you tell her that?" I ask. "Isn't it better to be honest than to get a divorce? How could you not tell her?"

"It's too humiliating," he groans. "It sounds so weak. She would just think I'm pathetic. I can't just come out and say, 'Look, this is what I want.'"

Oh, but you can. You must.

this hits a bit close to home.

Lady of Chaos · 9/8/08 5:07 pm

Hrm. Yes, especially in LTR's people should be able to speak their minds, eh? I suppose there may be things you know your loved one wouldn't accept very well, for example if what you want is kind of kinky, and they're not, lol. But these two above stories are rather pathetic.

Moloth · 9/8/08 5:24 pm

a huge conflict occurs when i meet one of these people who thinks that EVERYTHING is a scam, an underhanded comment or that there is something inherently insincere about everything that people say. Some people, i guess, are simply raised that way... they're TRAINED to second-guess every single thing that people say to them.

i'm not that way. i don't play games and, when i say something, i fucking MEAN it. I try to be a plain and blunt as possible. If i say X i fucking mean X. if i DONT say X i don't mean X.

but how frustrating is it when you tell someone, openly and honestly "I want X" or "I feel X" and they simple respond "no you don't". its like they simply cannot accept the fact that someone could ACTUALLY JUST be being honest and sincere with them. they cant handle it. its THAT alien of a concept to them.

This seems to happen a lot with compliments... there is the denial borne from modestly... but this is deeper. this is an actual, and often violent, denial that someone could actually find something positive about that person. they lash out, angrily sometimes, against sincere compliments because they feel that you're trying to 'pull one over' on them or trick them in some way. as if acknowledging that someone feels positively about them runs TOO contrary to what they know about reality. how sad it must be to feel that down about yourself or your lot in life... sad

This starts leading into "beaten wife" syndrome... the woman who stays in abusive relationships because she sincerely believes thats what she deserves or that all she is worthy of.

has anyone here ever poured their heart out to someone, only to have the other person dismiss it because they chose not to accept it or were emotionally/intellectually incapable of accepting it?

Lady of Chaos · 9/8/08 5:58 pm

I learned a very long time ago, to accept compliments with grace, whether or not you choose to think the person has some ulterior motive. True modesty is something different altogether.

I deal with someone who both thinks every one is out to do them harm and who also won't say what they want or what their concerns are. And I have asked, and politely. It has caused a great deal of pain and anguish for everyone involved. I do not know how to get by this impasse.

Matters of the heart are very difficult (not sure if that's what you meant exactly). I personally take offense when someone doesn't believe what I say. And if it's heart felt, that's crushing.

Moloth - The M-Forums

#1 9/3/08 2:58 pm

What do you want?

#2 9/8/08 5:07 pm

Re: What do you want?

#3 9/8/08 5:24 pm

Re: What do you want?

#4 9/8/08 5:58 pm

Re: What do you want?

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