Moloth - The M-Forums

I just got back from seeing Ninja Assassin.   It's supposed to be a crazy gore-filled ninja movie.  That's fine, I get that.  I'm even on board if they do it right.

They didn't.  *spoilarz abound*

Ninja Assassin starts out in a warehouse, where some punk-ass gang leader is getting a tattoo from an old man.  An envelope is brought in, sealed with wax.  When the envelope is opened, black sand falls out!  Shockingly, the old man knows what that means.  He quickly tells the tale of being a young lad and seeing someone open an envelope of black sand.  Ninjas descended on the lucky recipient and there was carnage abound.  He was stabbed through the chest, but only lived because he was born with his heart on the right side rather than the left. Then a ninja drops down and kills everyone, old man included.  This is pretty much the best action scene in the entire movie.

The plot goes pretty much nowhere.  That's fine with me.  I don't see these kinds of movies for the plot, I see it for crazy ninja action.  Sadly, that too was subpar.  So I will gripe about what little story there was!

Orphans taken to a secret clan where they train all their lives to be ninjas.  Ninja A falls in love with chick Ninja.  chick Ninja tries to escape, gets caught and killed in public.  Ninja A continues with training until the day he passes his final test.  He then goes rogue and the rest of his life is spent being a counter-ninja.

There's an action sequence on a pretty regular basis..but after the third or fourth one, I'm completely desensitized and bored of them.  I spent the rest of the movies criticizing how stupid the ninjas were.

- "Durrrr! Dey has gunz, we haz armor piercing shurikens!  I'll get into melee with one of them so I can kill one before my head gets shot to pieces!"

- Once again we see the classic Kung-Fu style of "We outnumber him 30 to 1, make sure he's never fighting more than TWO of us at a time!"

- We're supposed to be super stealthy ninjas who are master assassins.  We've trained for this our entire life.  We've trained to heal our wounds with chi.  We can trespass on squeaky traps without making them squeak.  We can move at superhuman speeds and avoid being seen in shadows.   ...and yet innocent civilians can easily avoid our attacks.  We can't hit a crawling target with a shuriken at a distance of 15 feet.  We move around with like 50 shuriken on each ninja, as well as several weapons and utility instruments, yet we make absolutely no noise when we move.  However, the aforementioned shurikens are as loud as gunshots.

Have I mentioned the shurikens are armor piercing?  as in.. able to carve large chunks out of people wearing bullet proof vests.

In short, I wouldn't recommend watching this movie unless you're REALLY into CGI blood and gibs.

Also: There was a distinct lack of Pirates.

Last edited by spooki (11/29/09 11:19 pm)